TESTIMONY PART 2

 

College women wouldn't date me; they'd look at me with contempt when I asked them out as if I did something against them. I began to think that maybe women thought I was gay and when I asked them out I somehow betrayed them; they'd act with hostility and (sometimes) threats. The words "embarrass" and "pervert" came back.  Women look for a sexual partner whether they know it consciously or subconsciously. It's something I've been getting subtle clues throughout the years- for example, women will look at me, with various scowls and tell me how embarrassed they will feel.  They tell me this, without knowing who I am, the lover me, they know me as a "friend".  Then, either use a threat or they call me "perv" (or both) for having normal age-appropriate hetero-attraction toward her. And this was only to ask a woman out to see if I wanted to ask for a second date.  They use the same words as if somehow they talk to each other. (Years later I discover that other men with cerebral palsy get the same reaction from women.) 

 

My thoughts of suicide grew stronger as my loneliness grew; the memories of sexual abuse also grew stronger. If it was only loneliness I can handle that but the sexual abuse was strong. I tried different methods; I wanted to concentrate on genuine love so I can move on from whatever (I know what it is now) was keeping me in depression. I became attracted to objects that can bring physical harm and even death to me: knives, guns, bows, fast cars and racing. I was bombarded with all these negative feelings: sadness, anxiety, feeling of emptiness, and the like, hateful towards the abuser, ashamed that I, a male, was sexually abused, awkward, dejected [Sad and depressed; dispirited], frustrated, incomplete, embittered, destructive towards myself than the abuser, melancholy, misunderstood, powerless, an object, disinterested in living because I was tired of feeling miserable.  I can go on and on; I didn't realize that depression involved so many negative feelings.

 

I began to plan my death so it wouldn't be seen as suicide. Then I realized I had the answer all along; the very medication that kept me alive can kill me if I take too much: Synthroid.  There was no escaping death now. But I changed my motive from suicide to homicide, thinking I will avenge myself. My plans were detailed and accurate to the day; I planned my graduation from college to be with the abuser's (I had learned that the abuser loves going to school, she kept going up until 2015). All the while I had absolutely no contact with her (from 1992-2000); however I did see her at El Paso Community College's Transmountain campus which sparked my revenge information trek (this was before the ease of the internet. I wasn't expecting to see her but years later, through emails, I found that she loves school and stayed in college for another 2 decades).  I found information about her relatively easy despite the non-disclosure clause as if someone wanted me to do this.  After I planned my revenge to take place in 2001's graduation, however; I decided to give God one more chance. I had the answer to how to force a confession and knew the adage about digging two graves when seeking revenge; I didn't care. I was ready. However, God had a different plan. I asked Him to stop me because I really didn't want to do it. God answered.

 

In 2001, I fell off my roof while changing the air conditioner and hit my head and broke my shoulder. I'm not saying that God pushed me off the roof; what I am saying is: that event was the beginning of my God trek. And, me falling off the roof happened after the graduation. After the accident, I didn't want to wake up (I was still thinking of self). I just wanted to die. I didn't know God was already working in me; my soul, spirit & body. I was depressed; I didn't want to continue feeling all the above feelings and more. God said to leave the avenging up to Him, that I will not be disappointed. It took me years to find this passage in the Bible:

 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified.  -- 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 KJV

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In 2004 I started seeing a psychologist and taking psychology classes in college. I was learning about sexual abuse, what the abuser thinks, feels and how they stalk their victim. I know that if I had the mindset of a victim, I would not have gone outside the box and learn all that, including taking psychology classes; it was my decision to learn all that because it was confirming what I already began to suspect.  I, now, see 1. from the college classes, 2. from talking to others, 3. talking to the psychologist, and finally 4. receiving the answers to questions via email from the abuser that all these events had to take place to begin the healing process.  I also know that I can never know every single detail of what happened, why it happened.  I also know that just because I understand it doesn't make what she did okay. Thanking her for the experience is not a requirement, especially since prior to the touching, I loved the Lord and planned to return to church when I get my car.  She wrote me in one of the many emails that she learned to thank (not in person) the people who abused her because it made her the person she is today and that I should do the same.  I told her one of the reasons why she did what she did was because of the abuse she endured, however, not to use it as an excuse because I was abused by her yet never sexually abused anyone.  There were many other statements she said in the emails that told me that she was still thinking of me as an object (not a person).  I do thank God that He allowed me back into His arms after all the thoughts of suicide, revenge and other sins I committed (Will people even give me a second chance or will they throw me away like a piece of trash).  Although people would probably understand why I thought about revenge, I wanted to go back to God. 

 

In the abuser's  first letter she stated that she didn't think of what happened as abuse and that actually thought that I was fine with it and walked away unscathed.  A few emails later, she admitted that she didn't see me as a person yet "played with my feelings" on the pretense that "she liked me" so she can get "a quick fix" (her actual phrases).  These are categorically similar to what a child molester says to a psychologist while in mandatory sessions.  She used the way I walked to target me calling it my "imperfection"; she created a false atmosphere of trust and mutuality [grooming]; thought that touching me would make me "good and confident" and to "teach me"; thought she was doing me a favor because of "my lack of experience with girls" (I was 15) [reward]; she continued to touch me under the pretense of "mutuality" even though she knew she shouldn't be "engaging in highly sexual circumstances" [justification]; she rejected me for the very same reason she targeted me in the first place (the way I walk); blamed me for what happened because she thought of me as the "cause and effect all [she] had done" [(threat of) punishment]; directed the hate and insecurity she felt about herself at me to try to "sweep it under the rug"; etc.  All of this because, as she said, "I wanted to feel pretty and attractive and be noticed by the opposite sex."   This list describes certain characteristics of what psychologists have found in common with child molesters from years of study.

 

It was sexual abuse in the strictest sense.  The objectification is one of the key characteristics; not to mention that she said many times she didn't see me as a person and at times a human (Later, I will add the word "sexless" to objectification, however, that situation is unique to me or is it??).  She is still living in denial.  It's incredible to me that she can say so much yet not put it together and accept responsibility.  As a psychology major, she should be able to piece together all her thoughts, unless she lied.  Which she did, and I called her on those lies.  And other lies or inconsistencies follow in line of logic from known sex abusers.

 

I do pray for her.  Don't get me wrong, I have forgiven her and her taking full responsibility is not required for my forgiveness.  Her taking full responsibility is more for her and the load of secrets (I became a skeleton in her closet; I wondered if I was the only one, if not she may have a graveyard in her closet; perhaps, one of many. If she didn't think she sexually abused me, how many others has she done this to where she doesn't think she abused them?) She still carries this as hidden from her family: her mother, father, stepdad, and her brother.  I asked her if they know and she said "no".  Furthermore, she said that she did want them to know and that she doesn't think people need to know about her "sexual intimacies". To which I answered back that she could never have "sexual intimacies" with me since she never saw me as a person nor human - she could only have "sexual intimacies" with someone she sees as a person. She didn't like that I can call her out on her lies and attempts at deception.  All of this is part of my life; this is a piece of my testimony and to leave it out will be an injustice for the lesson here is forgiveness. I am still trying to figure out what I can do as a positive action, other than not continuing the cycle of abuse; what does the Lord have for me to do; if there is something about that experience I can help other(s) I'll know it was the Lord turning a bad action into a positive and help to someone who needs it. 

 

I do believe Jesus Christ saved me from exacting revenge to my abuser; the world may have understood.  The psychologist did tell me numerous times that I didn't need to forgive her. There is no doubt in my mind that if I was to exact revenge on the abuser, I would have ended up dead too.  The abuser killed me when I was 15 years old when she molested me; whoever I was to become (without the abuse), I became a person who wanted revenge. Then that person, who was created when I was molested, died again when I personally accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior.  I became a completely different person because of Jesus and His grace and mercy.  The old is gone: Galatians 2:20, Ephesians 4:22-24, Romans 6:6-7, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Colossians 3:9-10.

 

 

 

My first school year here, in the El Paso / Sunland Park area, was safe.  I spent it under the protection of my cousins.  I lived in Sunland Park, NM on my maternal grandparent's land ( I never knew my paternal grandparents so when I refer to "grandpa" or "grandma" I am talking about my mom's parents) My grandparents held a Pentecostal church on their land and although it was held in Spanish, I was "forced" to attend.  I say forced because at the time I was Roman Catholic and it was far different.  I grew to like the Pentecostal church even though I could barely understand it.  I think because it was so energetic.  I was used to the Catholic church's standing, sitting and kneeling (what a workout.)  I did understand what the Catholic church taught and minor differences between the Pentecostal church.

A year later we moved to El Paso and I attended a different school, this is when the bullying started. I also attended catechism where I learned more about the Roman Catholic faith: Marian doctrines, the Trinity, purgatory, the Eucharist and other important doctrines.  Then for an unknown reason, the family fell away from the Church.  I, however, vowed to return to church when I got my car.

After being bullied at school and being sexually abused, something happened to me that blinded me and covered my promise to return to the Church. I felt alone, though I was never alone.  I thought of suicide during my middle school years, then again after being rejected as a human of being sexually abused.  The second time I thought of it, I must have been absolutely determined to do it because God stopped me.  After I figured out how to do it successfully, I just needed to pick the time to do it.  However, just before I did it, I had a dream.  Soon after, I started looking for God. I went to all the wrong places.  Every time I went to one of these things I could feel the Holy Spirit telling me He was not there.

I remember my first years of college there were many people there who I saw were carrying around bibles.  One day I sat near one of them while he was talking to someone else and I waited.  He opened the conversation with "if you were to die, where do you think you would go?"  I answered smugly, "to heaven".  This conversation got me thinking about defending my faith so I began researching why I believe what I believe. I found a place called Open Arms and I felt the Holy Spirit say "you may rest here".  Open Arms is a charismatic center for the Catholic Church, (by this, charismatic means to believe in the baptism of the Holy Spirit and accentuate the gifts as they are listed in 1 Corinthians 12:4-11). Charismatic and Roman Catholic sounds like an oxymoron but there are many charismatics who are also Roman Catholic.  I found a charismatic parish at St. Pius X.  There I remained until the bishop cracked down on the parish and demanded it not as charismatic.  I began looking for a church that is charismatic because I believe in the gifts of the Holy Spirit and that it's in the bible that means we, today's people, are meant to enjoy them TODAY. 

 

One major push I got to becoming an apologist for the, at the time, Roman Catholic church was a friend's girlfriend.  She was a witness for the Watchtower & Tract Society (they call themselves witnesses for Someone but I will not use that name as I believe they do not witness to that Name.) She was very pushy in her beliefs so I went to outside sources; I found many books and other materials about the Watchtower and learned about it.  I became very capable of defending myself.  I also had to learn about my own faith. This sparked a new avenue I traveled as I looked at many Christian denominations and pseudo-Christian cults.It took some years before I started finding why I've always felt strange when I heard people praying the rosary and devoting more attention to Blessed Mary than to Jesus.  I have nothing against Blessed Mary, the mother of Jesus, who in the bible tells us to call her Blessed. (Luke 1:48)  Elizabeth, who was filled with the Holy Spirit, (Luke 1:41) then she exclaimed "Mother of my Lord," (Luke 1:43) so I use that title without reservation.  

A second encounter that encouraged my Christian walk and changed my music preference happened my first year working at the Texas Lions Camp in 1998. There was a camp counselor who listened to Christian music and I heard it and asked him about it.  He told me and I bought my first WOW (1997). Since then I have been hooked on Christian music. Now, I can understand and hear in the secular music and how it drains a person of positive emotions. I took confirmation classes a year later to fulfill my sacraments (1999).  But secretly I was not fully accepting all the Marian doctrines and was still fixated on revenge.  I had allowed my anger of the sexual abuse to change me to be angry at the person, therefore forgetting that Jesus died for her also. 

 

I had meticulously planned and almost executed my plan of revenge.  However, I created a "loophole" by telling God that I really didn't want to do it and asked Him to stop me.  And He answered my prayer. I was going to make her confess under the threat of death the day of commencement 2001 however, I got a cold and ear infection. At this time, He asked me if I would allow Him to avenge me and that I will not be disappointed.  My idea of revenge and His are very different so through my finite understanding of revenge and Him telling me I won't be disappointed, I put my trust in the Lord. A month later I fell off the ladder of my parent's apartments and broke my shoulder, collar bone, hit my head and cut it.  I was in rehab for about a year; I had to learn to walk again- my guess is the accident shocked the cerebral palsy in my body. For years after that, I walked with a cane.

 

Going back to the past a little bit: I was prayed over by my grandmother's church when I was a child.  I remember standing in front of everybody and they prayed, in Spanish, over me.  My older brother was there and said that he never saw me standing anywhere so still before. Needless to say, I didn't get fully healed of cerebral palsy that day however, I did feel like it helped me.  Had I been fully healed, I would not have been sexually abused; she was looking for someone she perceived as "weaker" out of the group of her brother's friends (she might deny it; why didn't she pick someone her own age??) 

 

I have gone through many trials but I guess the most, the one that outnumbers them all is being asked, "Are you angry at God?"  I always say "No".  Then the question comes back again, "are you angry at God for being sexually abused?" and I still say "No."  The reason is because the only one who is responsible for the abuse is the offender: Not God.  God asked her not to touch me.  Did she target me for having cerebral palsy?  Yes. (She actually wrote this in emails; she said, "the way you walk" and called it my imperfection.) God didn't fully heal me back before the offender touched me nor did He fully heal me immediately after.  I still have cerebral palsy.  However, I have a testimony of forgiveness for one who lacks.  I can be the miracle who shares this testimony for those who were sexually abused and have not found forgiveness or have difficulty in forgiveness.  I can be that testimony for those who have been bullied, who have thoughts of suicide and other mountains of difficulty. 

 

In 2009 (20 years later; she first started touching me in 1989), the offender wrote me and had answered many of my questions (2010).  Her answers are identical to what a sex abuser says and now I know that I was, without a doubt, sexually abused and that all those feelings, the time I was suffering from depression and urges of wanting to be touched pointed to sexual abuse.  Having to explain what I felt and knew to a psychologist was tough. At that time I didn't have the offender's answers and I had to fight through the stigma of males having been sexually abused by a female, to a female psychologist. As time continued the psychologist told me she saw the same affects a victim feels and concluded I was sexually abused.

A year after the offender first contacted me, I can see that God spoke to her because of the things she told me. Having more answers to what happened has helped me, enough to finally take control and verbally acknowledge that I have forgiven her.

 

After 20 years of doubt and silence, questioning what did happen; all the urges I had that were not there before she touched me; the years of internet pornography (1995-1999), accompanied with the emotional drain; the depression and thoughts of suicide (1993-2010), I continued to have after I forgiven her. I normally don't like to say anything negative about another church however I wasn't getting answers from the Roman Catholic Church or even the charismatic part of it.  I talked to many people, went to several psychologists about the sexual abuse and did everything in my power to "get over it"; I feel that through the counseling of the Holy Spirit, the psychologist, writing the offender, asking questions and receiving answers from the offender (with the help of piecing everything together; thank you Jesus) I did get much more help from God in preparation to the time the offender contacted me and the duration than I could ever get from myself or any other human. I think that after I have given my vengeful thoughts to the Lord, He prepared both of us to talk calmly to each other. Granted, there were times when I typed out what I really felt, then typed out a completely different response to send.  The final question I had involved still having lapses of negative thoughts and emotions towards the offender even after I had forgiven her.

 

I did have that question answered through talking to Bishop Tom Brown.  I began going to Word of Life Church in 2012's Good Friday service.  Surprisingly, and sadly I have found that so-called "Christian" women act the same way when I ask them out; it's not only the RCC, or the Baptist, Pentecostal through the 4 years I have been actively participating.  I now say that if a person has to change in any way because I'm around, it's not my problem; even though they try to make it my problem.  I have been at this church for 5 years now; in the time I was there, the church was being sued by the former mayor because of a recall effort.  The reason why the mayor (and others) was going to be recalled was that he threw out the votes of El Pasoans to determine whether unmarried couples, who were employed by the city, can get benefits; the city chose "no".  However, the ballot was broad in the description of unmarried couples; it did include same-sex couples.  The same-sex issue was the only form that was on the news; which the media ran the church through the proverbial mud.  The courts agreed with the former mayor and the church was forced to pay him around $475,000. Despite all that mess, I got involved in ministry: the Praise Media Ministry that puts the scriptures and song lyrics on screen.  In the RCC I was involved in the charismatic movement, that is involved in the gifts of the Holy Spirit.  Word of Life Church is charismatic.