Grace alone by Faith

How to treat those you may perceive as having a disability:

 

I choose not to put cerebral palsy (cp) in front of me or wear it on my sleeve as I really don't have to, for most, it is the first thing many see before getting to know who I am.  I, do, admire and support those who bring awareness to cerebral palsy through websites blogs and video blogs and refuse to allow cp to define them. I do not capitalize "cp" because I refuse to give it power over my life. In a way, this Etiquettes web page is my way to spread cp awareness.  I may or may not add more awareness pages.

 

As far as having a label stamped on by society, I don't consider myself as "handicapped", "disabled" or "crippled".  As a matter of fact, I can easily forget that my body doesn't work as I want it to.  The true crippled mind is one of intolerance.  The definition and the appropriate usage of the word "cripple" is:

• adjectives - being lame, flawed, or imperfect (I've been called imperfect before)

• verb - to cause (a person, animal or thing) to be unable to move, walk or function properly.

• transitive verb - to deprive of the use of a limb and especially a leg or to deprive of capability for service or of strength, efficiency, or wholeness (as in to maim). 

• adverb - (cripplingly)

• It's offensive when "cripple" is used as a noun. 

 

I have never been "normal" (however, the first two weeks after being born and before I was born you can say I was "normal") so I don't know what it feels like to "walk right", run (faster than 3.2 mph) and participate in dangerous sports like professional football (then again, most people don't either.) The following list may be used for anyone perceived as being disabled, however, I have geared this list more towards my personal preferences and examples.  I have not included those who use a wheelchair, deaf or other "disabilities". People with other "disabilities" may have their own etiquette pages.

 

1. PITY- don't need it, don't want it; I don't ever want to give it to anyone.  If you have it, keep it to yourself- don't tell me about it. I'd rather concentrate on more positive emotions and activities I can do. (b) Many people with "disabilities" have thin legs or arms, depending on what is affected and used less often.  Do not stare or comment on how unusually thin, small, big or uneven anything is; I've lived with it all my life; I already know. I don't need to be self-conscious about it.  I know I got chicken legs; ha ha ha :D 

 

2. FAIR- don't treat me differently from anyone else.  If I do something wrong, correct me. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. Hurt feelings won't do any more damage to my physical body. On the other hand, not correcting me will just keep the situation neutral until the next time I offend you and you'll have resentment. (b) If you come across me, try not, I repeat, try not to react externally nor internally. Continue being who you are without the slightest change.  If you fail, you'll already be treating me differently. (c) There is a spectrum of two extremes: overly nice & overly mean. One is condescending and the other is cruel, respectively.  I have been treated at the end of both many times and I will know when a person is exhibiting each one. There is, yet, another behavior: being overly standoffish. This one stands alone; where being overly nice and overly mean involve feeling; being overly standoffish involves exhibiting indifference. I'd rather be treated overly nice or overly mean where those involve being treated as a person than being treated with indifference; it is disrespectful,  objectifying, demeaning, dehumanizing and offensive.  If you are stuck with me being in the same vicinity due to work, an elevator, church or other frequent situation but fail to behave in a cordial manner believe it or not it can be felt.  If you are uncomfortable around me (I will be blunt) that is not my problem; however, I will make an effort to be fair to anyone that exhibits this behavior; meaning I will work at being nice and cordial however, there is only so much I will do.  Fair is the virtue of these two extremes.  The closest word I can think of as being the opposite of this virtue is disingenuous; although it doesn't imply a degree of objectification.

 

3. Don't put me in a box - Judging and labeling me says more about who you are than who I really am. I have been alive for some amount of years and I have been placed in so many categories I can't even count them.  I have busted out of 98% of them (conservative figure). Being called a cripple in two languages (in a derogatory way) doesn't phase me as much as it might a friend of mine.  As I stated above, the usage of the word cripple has its appropriate ways - however, it also depends on context, body language and tone of voice for it to become offensive.

 

4. Don't perpetuate stereotypes!!   I am a human being with feelings, thoughts and dreams.  Having cerebral palsy does NOT define me.  Calling me "cripple" is not going to increase the severity of cerebral palsy in my body. Calling me a "cripple" is not going to make me useless, non-contributor to society, jobless or homeless; however, it's only going to reflect who are, judgments and any limitations you have placed on whoever you called a cripple.  USE PERSON FIRST LANGUAGE: I am a person first and foremost; if you speak about my "disability" avoid speaking as though I am cp but that I have cp; cp does not have me.

 

5. Don't assume- Assumptions make an ass out of you (but not me).  I changed that...I know.  If you read my testimony you'll know what happened that "disabled" me.  However, in short: I have mild cerebral palsy that causes my walking to be different than expected.  Other than what I have, having a name, I am not sick. You will not catch it nor will my children get it (it's not hereditary). An accident didn't cause cerebral palsy (as it was rumored) however an accident may have caused someone else to get it.  I am not angry (at GOD or anybody else) because I have cerebral palsy nor am I sad or depressed because of it.  I have other problems to be depressed about, palsy is not one of them.  I have been approached with all these examples so none of these are assumptions.

 

6.  "Protecting me": Don't avoid inviting me to events to protect me from things I can't do.  I have been at the end of this one too many times- perpetrated by family members and friends.  There is no way of know whether I can do something unless I try; I have done many things people tell me I can't do simply by trying it. From taking karate, other martial arts, driving to graduating high school and going to college; graduating from there too. If it turns out I can't, I'll enjoy the company.  Don't take that away from me. 

 

7. Remember- I am a human being with feelings, thoughts and dreams. And being a male human, my sexual preference is hetero. It may be hard to imagine but I am able to have intercourse just like an able-bodied male.  As a Christian, I have a body, soul and spirit; a temple of the Holy Spirit. Spiritually speaking, I am a person- an individual made unique yet having the likeness of God because of my acceptance of Jesus the Christ, as Son of God, Lord and Savior. I make mistakes like anyone else and I can learn from them.  I don't blame God for having cp because I know that neither my sins nor my parent's sins have caused cp; a lack of oxygen caused it.

 

8. Myth: a person who appears to have one kind of "disability" must also have others- often I come across those who think I have a lack of intelligence, as an example. Talking to me like I'm dumb is not acceptable. I earned a Bachelor's degree in Philosophy with a minor in Psychology.

 

9. Sex- Contrary to popular belief, I can have sex. I have the appropriate male part that is fully functional.  The problem actually comes from myths, stories and assumptions that I've heard most of my life: 1. if the legs don't work right, then the penis won't work right.  This is wrong.  2. if the legs don't work right then there's some kind of unsightly malformation in the legs or the penis is deformed.  Wrong again.  3. "if he's disabled, I'll have to do all the work" I am able to do many things however, we'll never know until we try. 4. There are many more myths however, I don't have the space to put them all here so I'll end it here.  Perhaps one day I will post a page dedicated to sex with a "disability".  Remember that I am a human and I'm attracted to women.  Unfortunately, it's difficult for me, it always has been; I have noticed that women seem to react with hostility and/or total indifference once my intentions or feelings are known.  The real disability is the intolerance and the perpetuation of falsehoods based on fear, ignorance and prejudice against people with "disabilities" when dealing with something as natural as sexuality.

 

10. "No, thank you" -First important point: Ask before you assist.  Don't be offended if I say, "no, thank you".  It's most likely I want to see if I can do it myself.  When talking to me or about me, referring to me as "disabled", "handicapped" or "cripple" already tells me you think "I can't" doesn't mean I believe it.  Presume competence: I can do most tasks. If I cannot, I will ask for assistance.  Also if I cannot, don't assume I'm feeling sorry for myself. If I say I cannot, it's most likely because of balance issues that may lead to possible physical injury.

 

11. IF THERE IS ONE THING YOU TAKE FROM THIS REMEMBER THIS: Never slap a disabled person on the back or anywhere as a goodwill gesture. This can cause me to loose my balance or trigger muscle spasms which can lead me to fall and risking serious injury. Muscle spasms in my body are uncontrollable/involuntary movements due to damaged portions of the brain and can be very uncomfortable and painful.

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Five things I do, involuntarily or voluntarily, different because I have cerebral palsy:
1. When I write about cerebral palsy I do not capitalize the name: I have cerebral palsy, it does not have me.
2.  I lean more towards my left because it is my stronger side however I must use my right side more; I can do things on my left side that I cannot do on my right and there are fewer things I can do on my right side that I cannot do on my left. I lean forward when going up an incline for balance.
3. My right foot pronates when I'm not concentrating on keeping it in the correct position or when standing still; it tends to turn inward so before I move again I must tell it to get in the proper position to walk again or I will fall and possibly injure myself.
4. My body tends to involuntarily jump/lose balance from sudden loud noises or goodwill gestures such as being slapped on the back.
5. I have been working on my physical body since I was young, from physical therapy, playing baseball, practicing different disciplines of martial arts to going to the gym; I will continue to work on bettering my body, until the Lord Jesus heals me, I still tend to have balance issues so I may ask for help carrying items such as plates or cups with liquid in them, in an attempt not to make a mess or burn myself.
6. This has nothing to do with cerebral palsy; due to having a low acting thyroid, I must continue to fight fatigue and low energy so if I don't want to do something, it's probably because I worked all day, like everyone else, yet also fought through the constant fatigue and low energy simultaneously; as I get older it's getting more difficult.